This job is not what I’ve been waiting for. It’ll work for now, though.

I feel like change is coming… or that I want it to. I’m not sure which. I went to church the last two weeks in a row, for the first time since I was in New Zealand. I went because I wanted to, but then while I was there, I felt pretty much nothing, just like I have since before I stopped going. I want and need a relationship with God, I know that, but I just don’t know how to keep one going. Getting the job I did is nothing short of a miracle, and I’m so thankful for it, don’t get me wrong, but there’s nothing else there. Whenever I pray, it feels so one sided, like I’m talking to the ceiling. It’s frustrating.

I’m feeling pretty alone right now. The Fantastic 4 doesn’t really hang out like we used to… M has decided that my room mate is a better friend than I am, so she talks to her and not me. We used to see each other at least once a week, and text all the time, but now she texts my room mate instead. Mind you, I was with her and the guys last night, and not my room mate, and it was awkward anyway. There is so much drama with M and her boyfriend and they’re always on the verge of fighting these days.. it’s frustrating. For awhile I thought it was him, but last night it was definitely her… it was ridiculous. There is a part of me that just wishes they would break up already, but I like hanging out with both of them, which probably wouldn’t happen if they weren’t dating any more.

My sister is still doing her ‘I’m engaged and you’re not’ bullshit, so she doesn’t talk to me either. I confronted her about it once, about two months ago, and it was better for a few days, but now we’re right back where we were. I’m not mentioning it again. I’ve stopped trying, I decided a few days ago that I’m not texting her or trying to start conversations with her on facebook, just to see how long it takes her to notice. So far there’s been nothing. I talk to her fiancee more than I talk to my own sister. I’m glad she at least thought to ask me to be her maid of honour. I was actually a little surprised when she asked… we haven’t really been talking since they got serious. Of course, now I’m trying to be a good maid of honour and plan her stagette, but that’s proving to be pretty much impossible since she won’t talk to me, and the other bridesmaid is constantly too busy to get together and plan something.

Something needs to change. If I knew how to change it, I would in a heart beat. It drives me crazy that there are people in New Zealand that love me and are a good influence but I don’t quite have the courage to move.

It was a great trip, I had an absolute blast on the South Island, and met a lot of cool people. I miss it.

I’m trying to find a new job, and it is not going well at all. I have no interest in going back to the landscape place, it is truly run by idiots, and I know I’ve been saying for over a year that I don’t want to do it again, but this is the first time that I’ve actually gone looking for other work. I’ve lost count of how many resumes I’ve sent out and have gotten one call back. I had the interview the other day and they’ll let me know at the end of the month. I sort of hope I get it… but it’s a pest control place in the worst part of town. I’d really like to find something closer, and not involving bed bugs and mice.

Problem is that being over here is bringing back a lot of memories from my time in Aus. With him. It’s a little strange because this is New Zealand, but I guess the vacation has been the same so far, so there’s probably a part of me that’s expecting to go over to Aus soon. I’m not. I will not chase him. I want him to chase me… I keep hoping for an email from him, since I’m so much closer than I was, but so far it hasn’t happened and it probably won’t.

My mom and family, and my NZ family all think he’s an idiot for letting me go… but the truth is that I’m sure he’s figured out that I’m not the girl for him. I don’t love God like he does, I live all the way in Canada, and I drink too much too often. Too bad. If only he knew that if we got together I would become the girl he wants. I would learn to love God, I would probably move to Australia, and I would stop drinking. I’m very easily influenced by the people I spend a lot of time with, so if I spent a lot of time with him and people like him, I’d be set. Sadly, I have yet to meet anyone else like him at home. Meet them left right and centre here in New Zealand, but I don’t know how to go out and do the same thing in Canada. I really need to learn. Of course… my faith isn’t really my faith if I need other people with me to do it. I thought I had turned it into my own faith from my parents when I was at school, but I think it just became School’s faith, because I pretty much forgot all about it after being home a few months. The same thing happened with Aussie.

The only problem is that I love my partying friends.. I really do, and if I go home to Canada and get myself involved in church, figure out how to have my own faith and start being good, I’ll lose them. Since I’m so easily influenced, I wouldn’t be able to be friends with both.

Why can’t I learn how to do this? It doesn’t seem that hard for other people!

Of course, I’m still single. There’s no guy that loves me. Nobody wanting to go engagement ring shopping with me. That godly guy can’t find me, because I’m not getting along with God and don’t know how to fix it. I can’t stop noticing all the horrible things that He allows to happen, and it doesn’t make sense to me. I can’t stop being angry about it.

I’m super excited though. I should really just move there.

Oh. And, a week or so ago I heard a funny quote from The Office, and posted it on my facebook, it’s “Shunning, like slapping someone with silence”. He wrote me a message saying he hopes I haven’t felt shunned by him. Well, I didn’t write it because of that, but now that he’s brought it up, I’m wondering. Is he shunning me? I remembered the other day that he’s allowed to see tagged pictures of me.. which are all drunk pictures lately, so he probably is. I told him I wouldn’t drink any more when I left Australia…. but I think that managed to stick for a whole 3 months. Pretty much the time we stopped talking every night. When he told me he was leading me on.

In other news, last night I went out with Fantastic 4… first time in a long time. I wanted to go clubbing, because I bought a new, super sexy dress. Nobody else did though, so we just went to M’s and drank, then walked to a nearby pub for food and more beer, then walked back. I got drunker than I have for awhile, almost threw up, but somehow managed not to. Got drunk enough it wasn’t fun.. I hate it when I do that. I also slept on a different couch than G, so I didn’t lead him on at all. I’m more proud of myself than I should be. Oh well. I had to sneak out of the house at 7 AM because I woke up super sick. Spent all day in bed throwing up and not being able to sleep because I was in too much pain. Haven’t been that sick in a long time. I hate it so much.

Get a new cell phone, give the number to family only, pack a bag, and drive away.

Not during the winter either.. I’d like to leave now, while I still have a job.  Just walk out.  In my imagination I’d do it in the middle of an idiot customer fighting me over a warranty of something they bought at 50% off… or in the middle of an endless lecture from my boss.  Shut my phone off and leave.  Have a bag packed in the car.

Where would I go? West probably.. I know people on the west coast, so I’d probably start there.. then south.  It’s too bad south is in the States, but if I want to go somewhere warm, that’s my only option if I’m driving.  Maybe I’d drive all the way around North America.  Wouldn’t that be something… all the way to California, across to Florida, then loop back north.  Come back across Canada.  If I left now, it would take long enough that it would probably be spring in Canada before I had to drive across it.  I just google mapped it.  It would be about 15,000 kilometres.

Aussie and I haven’t really talked since sometime in mid May, when he told me he didn’t see us going anywhere.  I’ve hardly missed him since.. but now I’m starting to again.  He also started chatting with me the second I turned my computer on this evening… but didn’t have much to say except that he’s looking for work again, and that he killed a wild, hissing, sick kitten with an axe.  Ugh.  My sister says “at least he’s talking”.  Honestly, unless he’s telling me, or leading up to telling me he’s ready to pursue a relationship with me, I think he’s wasting his time.  I don’t want to be led on.  Sure wish the guy leading me on was the guy I’m leading on.  Too bad we aren’t leading each other on.  Together.

Why can’t the guy that wants me be the guy that I want?  Why can’t the guy that I want be on the same side of the planet as me?

It is sure nice falling asleep being held by a guy though.  We were sleeping close enough this time that I could feel his heart beating.  I so wish I could sleep like that every night.

Before last week, I’d never actually done that.. well, not all night anyway.  I dozed off a few times with my high school boyfriend I think, but since we both lived at home, we somehow managed to keep our clothes on and go to our own beds after an evening together.  I’m really thankful for that.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just to do whatever I wanted with whoever I wanted… but then I remember that kiss in New Zealand and know that’s not the case.  I wish I could just find that one…. but I’ll need to get my own life straightened out with God first.  At this point, I will not be attractive to the man I want to marry, and that makes me so sad.. but I don’t know how to become that girl.  I’m influenced so easily.  I need to figure out how to make my faith MINE, instead of  just becoming like the people around me.  You would think 6 months at Bible School would do that for me but apparently not.

What’s going on?  We were talking last night… he started talking about money, and about marriage.  Doesn’t seem to have any interest in spending money on travel, said it would seem like a selfish waste.  Does he think I’ve selfishly wasted my money?  No hurry to get married either.

I’m pretty confused this morning.  I wish I knew what was going to happen with us.  My current thought is nothing….. I want to be okay with that.  I want to be at peace about it, like I have been for the last 5 weeks.  I don’t want to lose him.

Distance sucks.